


The Xander/McNamara Picture Show

by robertstanion



Category: Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid
Genre: Autistic Paul Matthews, Chaos Ensues, F/F, F/M, Its just smut, M/M, Pure Smut, Smut, all sniggles are non binary, does this count as a songfic, everyone is under the influence, everything is purple, if you havent watched rocky, lyric alteration, no, of GOD, rocky horror except its the lords in black + hatchetfield characters, rocky horror picture show but emmas brad, so ted and jenny get married at watcher world, ted always calls emma 'erica' thats just the best headcanon, ted spankoffski hate club (characters perspective), this is based on a special interest of mine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29616051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: Driving through The Hatchetfield Witchwood after the recent wedding of Theodore and Jenny Spankoffski, Emma Perkins and Paul Matthews finds luck against them when their car breaks down. But, does a flat tire, a rickety old amusement park and a man with the Charles Atlas seal of approval change their lives for the better or for worse?
Relationships: Deb/Alice Woodward, Jenny/Ted Spankoffski, Lex Foster/Ethan Green, Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins, Paul Matthews/John McNamara, Ted Spankoffski/Charlotte (mentioned), Xander Lee/John McNamara
Comments: 10
Kudos: 6





	1. Prologue: Science Fiction/Double Feature

**Author's Note:**

> i will add the full cast of 'Hatchetfield Does Rocky Horror Picture Show' when more characters are on screen. for now:
> 
> Usherette: Zoey  
> Janet Weiss: Emma Perkins  
> Brad Majors: Paul Matthews
> 
> enjoy!!!

As a joke, Theodore Spankoffski had _insisted_ that he and Jenny get married at Watcher World, the rickety old amusement park that probably broke several health violations. Nobody ever saw anyone ever go into the amusement park at all, and he and Jenny both agreed, if anything, it’d be funny to get married there. It’d be memorable at most. The photos would be done in an _amusement park._ That didn’t happen in Hatchetfield! Sure, a _lot_ of weird shit happened in Hatchetfield, but none of those included inviting _everyone_ you knew to a wedding taking place at an amusement park.

And so, they invited _everyone_ they knew. Everyone from Zoey from the shitty coffee shop to Ken Davidson and back to their teachers from school- they needed this wedding to be the biggest, _and best_ that Hatchetfield would ever witness. It had to be so drastic that it couldn’t be topped. This was going to be the biggest party Hatchetfield would ever participate in. Nothing would ever be bigger than the wedding of Jenny and Ted Spankoffski. It’d be a party like no other. They’d start with the ceremony and then have a few hours to mess around on the rides and such before ending the day at a show that would be performed for them. It’d be one hell of a show, Ted could just feel it. It’d be one _hell_ of a day.

And so, the day came. They got married with the entire venue booked to the roof. Everyone who had been invited, plus their mother, arrived. They probably hadn’t believed that ‘pushy asshole’ Ted Spankoffski even had a heart, so to see this new side of him was certainly something very welcoming. It also gave the women of Hatchetfield a relief that now Ted was taken completely, he wouldn’t flirt with every living, breathing female that walked into his path. That was the plan, at least.

But Ted was loyal, especially to those who loved. Mainly to Jenny, because she was the woman of his dreams. When she’d first started Andrew Kilgore, he had been _devastated_ especially considering the fact that Andy was a British asshole himself and would be richer than would _ever_ be in his entire lifetime. He was loyal to Bill and Paul, his two best buddies, getting them the best coffee money could buy for his bank account, and he was loyal to Charlotte…but Charlotte chose Sam over him, and he had no choice _but_ to let her go.

But he was married, and he had a band on his ring finger to prove it. He was on rollercoasters and rides, impressing Jenny to the best of his capabilities. He _was_ still, as to what he’d heard Alice Woodward call him, ‘a rat’ but he’d rather be a rat than a corpse. Even so, his tactics to impress his new wife weren’t working because she was the one impressing _him._ He fell in love with her even more then. It’d be a crime if he didn’t.

When it came to the time for the show, he scooped Jenny up in his arms and carried her in the theatre, sitting in the front row, with Bill and Alice Woodward to his left. Alice had her arms crossed, displeased, as Bill read the leaflet playbill thingy that came with it.

Bill scratched his chin, looking at where it should state who everyone was playing. “Huh…there isn’t a cast…”

“What the _fuck_ do ya mean there isn’t a cast, Bill? You need glasses or somethin’?” Ted asked, gazing over to his leaflet only to notice that there truly _was_ no cast. He laughed, not realising that potentially couldn’t be a printing error.

“Man, you just got a faulty one.” He sighed, wrapping an arm around his new wife, kissing her as every other guest in the park took their seats. But, as the show was about to begin, he noticed that two of the seats by Jenny were missing, two reserved for Ted’s best friend, Paul Matthews, and his girlfriend, Emma Perkins. “Does anyone know where Paul and Erica are?”

“Paul said he was going to the bathroom…he should be here by now…” Bill folded the leaflet back up, tucking it neatly under his seat as the lights went down and the music started.

Ted rubbed his hands together, smirking. “Well…it’s Paul’s loss then, isn’t it?” He laughed until he realised that he recognised the girl at the centre of the stage. He knew that Watcher World was sketchy, but he didn’t realise that his invitees would be performing _for_ him. This? _This_ made the day ten times better for him.

The lights dimmed and Zoey Martins, the local, youngest, barista at Beanies walked on to the stage, her newly bleached hair tied up in an appropriate ponytail. She wore a lilac dress with a white apron and a cap, similar to the one she wore at Beanies, instead it read her name. She carried a tray of assorted goods in front of her that were tied around her neck. Her face was coated in an assorted variety of purple shades and glitter. And her eyes…had they _always_ been purple?

She stood in front of a purple curtain, smiling wide, her teeth as shiny as ever as she began to sing to the fully packed audience. _“Michael Rennie was ill the day the earth stood still, but he told us where we stand. And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear, Claude Rains was the Invisible Man! Then something went wrong, for Fay Ray and Kink Kong. They got caught in a celluloid jam. Then at a deadly pace, they came from…outer space! And this is how the message ran!”_

She gestured behind her as a series of lights lit up in purples and yellows that revealed the name of the show. _The Xander/McNamara Picture Show._ She smiled, walking to the centre stage, continuing to sing. _“Science Fiction, Double Feature! Wilbur Cross will help a creature…see androids fighting…Paul, and Emma. Anne Francis stars in…Forbidden Planet! Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! At the late night, double feature, picture show!”_

She couldn’t seem to see why, all of a sudden, people were looking, and acting, shocked. She couldn’t understand why at all. _“I knew Leo G. Carrol was over a barrel when tarantula took to the hills. And, I really got hot, when I saw Jeanette Scott fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills! Dana Andrews said ‘prunes, give him the runes’ and passing them used lots of skills! ‘But when worlds collide,’ said Deb White to her bride, ‘I’m going to give you some terrible thrills, like a-‘_

The fact Deb’s name had been mentioned, especially in such a circumstance such as a wedding, made Alice’s cheeks flush wildly and she immediately looked away from her father and her girlfriend, focusing back on the music if she could.

 _“-Science Fiction, Double Feature! Wilbur Cross will help a creature…see androids fighting…Paul, and Emma. Anne Francis stars in…Forbidden Planet! Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! At the late night, double feature, picture show! By R.K.O. Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh, to the late night, double feature, picture show. In the back row!”_ Zoey called loudly to someone, her eyes flashing her natural brown for a second before returning to the purple shade she’d had for the majority of the song. “ _Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh. To the late night, double feature, picture show!”_ She walked over to the purple curtain, taking a hold of it, pulling it open to reveal a scene.

A purple-coloured cardboard car sat to the right of the stage, or, to the audience, the left, and a badly painted cut-out of a castle sat at the opposite side of the stage. Two people sat in the car, one tall with glasses and a suit, the other in a dress, a pinky-purple dress in colour, her hair tied up into a plait. But…there was something different about them. Though recognisable, they’d been altered ever so slightly…and then it clicked in Ted’s mind.

_“Paul?!”_

As soon as he’d spoken, there was a brilliant purple flash that consumed him. An image of the Witchwood formed in his mind and he saw an old, red car putter along through the woods, rain lightly drizzling on the wind screen, Paul Matthews driving away from Watcher World…why would he _leave?_ With every blink did the image in his mind become a reality. The façade of Watcher World dripped away, turning into purple gunk that didn’t touch the audience or himself or Jenny. The scenery around them soon became visible as some outdoor theatre.

Like a zombie, Ted and his guests stood up, walking inside a building, pristine and clear. There, they sat down, looking directly ahead of them, not registering they were now in a completely different area to where they’d been before. But, with the scene not ready to go yet, they sat waiting patiently. This had to be a part of the plan. _This had to be a part of the plan_.

* * *

After realising Ted’s wedding _truly_ wasn’t worth going to, Paul and Emma had decided to take the easy way out, and that had been leaving the wedding while they could. Without a map or any familiarity around the park, they ended up getting lost in the centre of the park. He remembered Emma talking about some sort of creepy mascot walking up behind them, but then it went black and nothing else could be remembered.

He’d shaken himself off when he’d woken up, checking Emma over for any injuries, but he realised he was in a different outfit to what he’d arrived in. It was his brown suit, yes, but his tie was a dark shade of purple instead of the black one he wore on a daily basis. And Emma would _never_ wear that type of dress. However, there was a lot that Emma didn’t particularly enjoy opening up about many things, so Paul didn’t really question about the dress. But, he did question about his eyes. They had _never_ been that blue. Never…and he hadn’t had a ring on him when he’d went to Ted’s wedding.

Either way, the both of them continued down the Witchwood in hopes of getting home. Everything was going to be alright.


	2. Dammit, Janet!/Over At The Frankenstein Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> paul and emma get vibe checked by god, someone (wink) gets engaged and paul matthews is just too fucking tall man plz shrink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i did type up the rocky horror script, yes, i am watching rocky horror, hence this chapter-

Paul wasn’t sure why he accepted the invitation to Ted’s wedding. Upon looking at the wedding venue, he knew it’d be a shitshow, and it turns out it was. But, Ted was his co-worker, and Mr Davidson had encouraged the majority of the office to go. Emma, however, she’d been quite a bit more enthusiastic about going to then Spankoffski wedding. Paul had had so many internal debates as to whether or not Jenny was serious about marrying Ted and he’d originally settled on the fact that she had to be joking, that the entire thing was a set up.

And then, sitting in the lavish seats, or, the once lavish seats in the Watcher World theatre, he found himself considering that they actually _weren’t_ joking. And hence, the ceremony occurred as it was supposed to and Jenny Wilkinson became Jenny Spankoffski. Paul had considered, in the moment, shouting up and saving Jenny’s life on behalf of Ted. But, she seemed happy enough…which definitely surprised Paul.

Once the ceremony had ended, and Jenny and Ted were officially married and guests were starting to depart to celebrate the post-ceremony, Emma and Paul turned to each other, the same thoughts on the mind.

“Should we get out of here before it’s too late?” Emma asked, flattening the skirt of her dress, which was a soft blue colour. She’d chosen it specifically because ‘fuck the patriarchy.’ Paul gratefully nodded and, with a wide smile on her face, grabbed Paul’s hand, pulling him from the venue. And, gleefully, the two of them ran through the bustling crowds of Watcher World and back to their small car, which was also blue.

The problem came when they were driving away and Paul’s hand began to twitch. Emma was quick to point it out, but he shrugged it off like it was nothing. To him, it was. He was probably just tired of masking all day, desperate to get home and sit in his office, play a game or something to his own liking. And yet, he felt as if he could hardly move so far. Especially when he felt a large twanging in his head and, as he glanced over to Emma, he could see her wincing. He wasn’t going insane. Maybe it was the fact that smoke had suddenly covered their tracks in The Witchwood, or maybe it was that there was a light rain on the windscreen. He always did get migraines whenever it was about to storm.

Just like he predicted, seconds after he confirmed that he wasn’t feeling the greatest, a flash of lightning hit the windscreen of the car, glass shattering all around them. Paul hit the breaks as Emma jolted forward. They’d be dead if it weren’t for seatbelts. He turned off the car, processing what happened, turning to Emma. “Is…that did just happen, right?”

“It sure as hell did…” Her eyes were wide with shock, to which she quickly blinked the emotion away. “And…and I’m not the only one with a migraine, right?”

“No…no.” He placed his shaking hand on her thigh, squeezing gently to reassure them both. But, with the lack of windshield, the two were already getting wet with the drizzle of the rain from outside, making Emma tut. And though they both wanted to, there was no denying that there was an increase in the pulsating migraine that filled their heads.

“Dammit…the wedding was shit, the car ride _home_ ended with the car needed fixed! I’m praying to god that CCRP’s insurance covers that! Fuck!” Emma shouted, banging her fist on the dashboard which, in return, caused a blinding light to fill both Emma and Paul’s eyes, increasing the pain that held them still. Just when they thought it was over, they were stopped by five names, each so familiar and yet, so not.

_Pokotho, Bliklotep, T’Noy Karaxis, Nibblenephim, Wiggog Y’Wrath_

_You made Bwinky cwy!_

_You’re trapped_

_Never to escape_

_You opened the box_

_You beast_

_Not needed_

_Irrelevant._

_The author of The Black Book-_

_It’s Inevitable_

_IT’S INEVITABLE_

**_IT’S INEVITABLE_ **

And then, Black.

* * *

After realising Ted’s wedding _truly_ wasn’t worth going to, Paul and Emma had decided to take the easy way out, and that had been leaving the wedding while they could. Without a map or any familiarity around the park, they ended up getting lost in the centre of the park. He remembered Emma talking about some sort of creepy mascot walking up behind them before reciting several different names that sounded Latin, but then it went black and nothing else could be remembered.

He’d shaken himself off when he’d woken up, checking Emma over for any injuries, but he realised that the tie he had been wearing when he arrived was askew, and his blazer was unbuttoned. Looking at himself in the mirror, he neatened himself up before turning to Emma, who was tying her hair up into a bun. Her dress, the same pinky purple she’d worn for the occasion, was still in tact. She looked gorgeous, but when didn’t she? He smiled, turning the ring on his finger, starting the car, driving out of the Witchwood while Emma topped up her makeup, smiles on both of their faces.

Emma placed her lipstick back in her purse, fastening the clasp, a happy sigh leaving her throat. She turned to her boyfriend, watching as he drove with only kindness in her eyes and light in her heart. “Oh, Paul, wasn’t it wonderful? Didn’t Jenny look radiantly beautiful?” She didn’t wait for an answer as she looked back out the windshield, watching how the trees blew in the soft breeze. “Oh, I can’t believe that an hour ago he was plain old Theodore Spankoffski and now he’s Mr Jenny Wilkinson!”

“Yes, Emma. Ted’s a lucky guy, and everyone knows that Jenny is a wonderful little cook! But, then again, they’ll probably be eating takeout tonight.” Paul told her, his bright blue eyes sparkling with delight. “And God, if he keeps it up, Ted, himself, will be in line for a promotion in a year or two!”

“Yeah! That’s fuckin’ hard to believe. In the words of Sylvia, ‘he whacks off in his office.’” She snorted as she laughed, tipping her head back.

Paul watched and his heart gave a flutter. He knew it was bad timing considering that they’d just attended a wedding, but Ted and Jenny wouldn’t know if he proposed to Emma now, would they? No. Of course they wouldn’t. And hearing her laugh like that, he couldn’t help but picture their future together. He smiled and parked the car at a clearing so the two of them could get a bit of a break and stretch their legs, but the anxiety was filling in his chest. And, as the anxiety rose to his head, a voice spoke to him.

_“Better not forget about me, ay, Paul?”_

Pokotho clawed his hands into Paul’s brain, feeding lyrics and notes to him. Everything had to go to plan. It always had, and there wasn’t any way that an office beanpole was ruining everything for them.

Paul switched off the car, placing the keys in his pocket. He blinked before turning to Emma, his eyes wide and hopeful. “Hey, Emma?”

“Yes, Paul?”

“I’ve got something to say…” A note strummed in his head, prompting him to speak again. “I really loved the… _skilful_ way you beat everyone else to the bride’s bouquet.”

“Oh, Paul…I understand the sentiment but it hit me in the fact and-“

 _“The road was deep but I swam it, Emma-“_ Paul sang, bursting out the car. He rushed around to her side, opening the door with a wide, nearly unnatural grin. _“The future is ours so let’s plan it…and **please** don’t tell me to can it cuz I have one thing to say and that’s dammit, Emma, I love you.” _He pulled her out of the car, sitting her on the bonnet as he continued his dramatic dance sequence. _“The road was long but I ran it, Em, there’s a fire in my heart and you fan it. If there’s one fool for you then I am it-“_

“Duh,” Emma laughed softly only to receive a twanging pain in her temples.

 _“THEY ARE NOT THE LYRICS!”_ Pokotho roared, which prompted Emma’s façade to build up with or without her consent.

 _“I’ve one thing to say and that’s dammit, Emma, I love you…”_ Paul continued, ignoring the commotion before him. He lifted Emma up, setting her back on the ground as he got down on one knee, fumbling for the silver and purple ring he’d bought especially for the occasion. He smiled as he looked up at her and the excitement that filled her eyes. _“Here’s a ring to prove that I’m no joker, there’s three ways that love can grow. That’s good, bad or…mediocre! Oh E.M.M.A P! I love you so!”_

Excitedly, Emma tossed the bouquet of purple and yellow flowers behind her into the woods, not caring where they landed. She squealed and took the ring, sliding it on her ring finger as she looked at Paul’s, which matched. He knew, and she loved him for that. He always knew what to do. _“Oh! It’s nicer than Jenny and Ted had! Now we’re engaged and I’m so glad, that you’ve met mom and you know dad. I have one thing to say and that’s Paul, I’m mad for you too.”_ She took his hand and helped him stand, holding his hands in her own. “ _Oh, Paul!”_

_“Oh, dammit!”_

_“I’m ma-ad!”_

_“Oh, Emma!”_

_“For you-“_ She sang as she moved her hand from his chest above her so she could examine the ring closer, but he soon caught on to that, grabbing her hand and pressing it back against his chest.

_“I love you too.”_

And, together, they sang- _“there’s one thing left to do!”_

 _“And that’s go see the man who began it, Emma. When we met in his science exam, it made me give you the eye and then panic!”_ Paul chuckled lightly as he imagined the expression Henry Hidgens’ face at the news. _“Now I’ve one thing to say and that’s dammit, Emma, I love you.”_ He helped her back inside the car as he climbed back in, turning it back on as he sang, driving away, swaying in time to the beat. “ _Dammit, Emma.”_

_“Oh, Paul, I’m mad!”_

_“Dammit, Emma-“_ while the car kept driving, the two of them turned and secured their love with a kiss.

 _“I love you…”_ The two hummed after pulling away with smiles still wide on both of their faces. But how did the two get there to begin with? Well, it had seemed like a fairly ordinary night when Emma Perkins and her fiancé, or do you prefer…fiancé? Either way…Paul Matthews. Two young, ordinary, healthy kids who’d left the north of Hatchetfield that late November evening to visit a Professor Henry Hidgens, ex-tutor to Emma Perkins and a friend to both of them. Though, it’s true, that there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, towards which they were driving and it’s also true that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But, they being normal kids and on a night out, well, a storm was _not_ to spoil the events of their evening? Of course not. So, on a night out, it was a night out they were to remember for a very long time.

And though the two of them had found themselves high on the blissful fumes the both of them were emitting around each other, it clearly wasn’t enough to see the fairly large jagged rock up ahead…or the fact that they’d taken the wrong turn when they were supposed to, leaving them lost. And, that very same large, jagged rock became the thing to puncture Paul Matthews’ tire. The burst startled them, causing them to stop in their tracks. Paul stopped the car, groaning out of annoyance as he got out of the car, inspecting the tire. Emma poked her head out of the window, watching as her new fiancé worked. “What’s the matter, Paul, baby?”

“Well, I figure we took the wrong turn a few miles back because I don’t recognise _this_ part of The Witchwood, _and_ we have a blowout in the front left hand tire.”

“For once, Paul, can you speak in English and not your dorky little nerdy vocabulary word thingies?” Emma asked, leaning against the window. To Emma’s quip, Paul laughed. “But seriously, did you get round to mending the spare tire?” When Paul shook his head, she groaned. “Let me grab my phone, I’ll call Tony.”

“Em, our phones died at the ceremony, don’t you remember?”

“Oh, what a pain in my _ass!”_ She grumbled more, placing her head in her hands just as a clap of thunder sounded from ahead. “Fuck this. I saw a castle a few miles back, I’m sure of it. They’ve probably got a fuckin’ phone.” Emma got out of the car, taking the umbrella out from the backseat of the car as Paul scrambled to his feet.

“I’m coming with you, Emma. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Emma looked up at him and laughed softly. “My prince charming.” She opened up her purse, pulling out a pocket torch, and also opened up the umbrella as the rain started to fall once more and, Paul holding Emma’s arm, the two beginning to walk.

“But in all seriousness, the owner of the phone could be a gorgeous man and you might never come back!” Paul told her, watching as she rolled her eyes.

“Paul,” Emma told him, facing forward, passing the torch to Paul so she could focus. “You are the only man for me.”

At that, Paul laughed, relieved, but he wasn’t the only one.

A group of 10 winged creatures, who sat high up in the branches of the Witchwood trees, cackled alongside him. 8 of them wore green shirts with the name of _WIGGLY_ imprinted in white vinyl on the front. They were dressed in opaque green tights, shorts and white sneakers, some of which were heeled ever so slightly. Some of them also wore green bobbly headbands. They were mere servants to the author of The Black Book himself, Wiggog Y’Wrath. Their names? Stone, with the sharp teeth and the blonde hair, Eldy with the brunette ponytail and the vicious claws, Star with the buzzed hair and the glistening green eyes, Moon with the chaotic burn to their cheeks, Spy with the short black hair and the pale skin, Cat with the long red hair and the hypnotizing voice, Blush with curly brunette hair cut up to her shoulders and Pob who had the widest (and kindest) smile of the lot. The remaining two, however, were a replica of both Paul Matthews himself and Alice Woodward. The first, Snail, had long blonde hair that reached their lower back and, much like her companion, wore a purple shirt with _BLINKY_ plastered on it. They wore a purple mini skirt and small, black heeled boots. Her brother, Venus, had Paul Matthews’ looks, but bright purple eyes. And, together, they were one fierce team. Slowly, they made their descent, climbing down the bark of the trees, hiding in the shadows, watching the two carefully, waiting for the right moment to strike.

Emma held the umbrella firmly in her hands, looking around and following the guide of the torch to get to the castle safely. To calm her mind, she allowed the lyrics being fed to her to spill. It’d make things easier in the long run. _“In the velvet darkness of the blackest night, burning bright…”_ She pointed ahead of her to a light that appeared through a circular window, presumably their final destination. _“There’s a guiding star. No matter what or who you are. There’s a light…”_

 _“Over at The Frankenstein Place!”_ The Sniggles sang in unison, a screechy tone to their voice, as they peeked out from behind the trees they were hiding behind before following the engaged couple to their destination.

 _“There’s a light…”_ Paul sang that time, looking around, trying to locate their location or at least get a familiar idea as to where they were.

 _“Burning in the firepla-ace!”_ The Sniggles sang once more, looking to their partners as some began scrambling further along the track, listening in closely to them both.

 _“There’s a light, light in the darkness of everybody’s life…”_ Emma and Paul sang, Paul gripping Emma’s arm slightly tighter. He shone the torch on footprints around him, creepiness settling into his veins as he realised he couldn’t see the maker of said footprints anywhere. They looked human…but were they? Anything could happen in The Witchwood. Anything at all.

 _“I can see the flag fly, I can see the rain just the same…”_ He said, noticing a point of something, hopefully the castle but, he shrugged, turning back to his fiancée. _“Well, there has got to be something better here for you and me. There’s a light-“_

“ _Over at The Frankenstein Place!”_ The Sniggles sang again, some of them licking their fanged teeth which drew Paul’s attention over to the trees that surrounded them.

 _“There’s a light…”_ Emma continued, ignoring the screeching noises around her.

 _“Burning in the firepla-ace-_ “ The Sniggles continued once more, scrambling up the back end of the old fashioned styled building of PEIP. Some called it a castle, some called it that of an old school. Either way, Paranormal Extra-terrestrial Interdimensional Phenomena had certainly been there longer than most buildings in Hatchetfield. Some had specified it had been there longer than the island had been itself…

 _“There’s a light, light in the darkness of everybody’s life…”_ Emma and Paul stepped up their walking as Paul huddled further under the umbrella the best that he could.

From the Northern Tower of the building known as PEIP to very few stood two very special people watching the dots in the distance grow closer and closer. The first had slicked back black hair and wore a waistcoat under a black suit blazer. His dog tags dangled against his chest as he peered out the window. His partner and sister on the force crooned her neck to get a better view. She had wild red hair and also wore dog tags, but instead of a suit, she wore a black dress and fishnet tights in heeled boots unimaginably high making her almost as tall as her brother. The two of them turned to each other as the first began to sing. _“The darkness must go down the river of nights dreaming…”_

From beside him, his sister continued the verse she’d been so desperately practising for. _“Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming into my life…”_ She turned to her brother who began singing with her.

_“Into my life….Life!”_

Back outside, Paul was shuddering due to the fact it was still raining, and Emma wasn’t exactly the tallest person in the world. But, they knew they had to be strong. If not for one another, then for themselves. The end was metres away. They were going to make it. They ignored the pattering of feet and slap of wet leaves that surrounded them from deep in the trees as they finished off their song, staying close to each other’s side. _“There’s a light, over at The Frankenstein Place. There’s a light burning in the fireplace. There’s a light, light, in the darkness of everybody’s life…”_ And, before they knew it, they’d done it. They stood at the gothic doorway that was PEIP Headquarters and stood nervously. Emma lowered her umbrella, Paul switched off the torch and they waited…waited…waited…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLZ im literally so sorry for the hiatus i didnt mean for it to happen anyways here's some sniggle clarification this is jay lore now homies:
> 
> Wiggly's Sniggles:  
> Stone: Jeff Blim  
> Blush: Jaime Lyn Beatty  
> Cat: Kim Whalen  
> Spy: Curt Mega (yeah this one was fucking obvious)  
> Star: James Tolbert  
> Moon: Angela Giarratana  
> Eldy: Lauren Lopez  
> Pob: Robert Manion
> 
> Blinky's Sniggles:  
> Snail: Mariah Rose Faith (bcs snails are cute and mariah's sniggle would be adorable  
> Venus: Jon Matteson- (veNUS PLEasE)


	3. Time Warp/Sweet Transvestite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> paul matthews can't converse so emma does it all for him. also peip are sketchy as SHIT

Two former PEIP agents, each exposes to two very separate areas of The Black and White, were excitedly giggling as they ran down the stairs. The first and tallest, Wilbur ‘Alby’ Cross, was the mentor of the master who owned the house. The Prophet of Wiggog Y’Wrath, he’d been unleashed to the secrets of those who held his dreams and ambitions against him, who’d called him weak and put him down. But, he was soon to prove them all wrong, that he was more powerful than they’d ever realise.

And beside him, his rival at PEIP and yet, somehow, his sisterly figure. Holly-Aloisa Holloway, or to those who knew her the best, Miss Holloway. Unleashed to the lighter side of The Black and White and to the powers of the spider, she became a witch, and she was the best at her job. She helped those in need but only if they deserved her help. She had to teach those who’d learned to rely on her that there were other ways to solve a problem rather than call in ‘The Witch.’ People had lived without her before, and it was common knowledge they wouldn’t need her now.

But, Wilbur turned to Holloway and smirked. “Go tell the young’n to get herself ready. We’ve got one _hell_ of a show ready to go. And my god, The Master _will_ be impressed. And I…I will serve our guests…” His green eyes twinkled as her blue eyes lit up with a grin as she turned, the fabric of her dress flowing behind her.

From the other side of the door, Wilbur could hear nervous chattering, more than likely from the guests.

_“It’s alright, Paul!”_

_“Okay, I’m second doubting myself, Em, I’m cold, frightened and-“_

_“Honey, please, just breathe. If they don’t have a phone then we’ll go.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“Of course.”_

Wilbur rolled his eyes, faking a gag, opened the door, leaning against the door frame, raising an eyebrow at the two of them. So pure, so naïve. Unfortunately, that was _not_ the type of person he liked to play with. He eyed them and smirked. “Well, hello there, darlin’s.”

“Oh, wow you’re tall what is in the _water_ in Hatchetfield?!” The lady hissed, her dark purple eyes glimmering under the lantern light. “We’re in a bit of a spot. Our car broke down and we’re wondering if we could step inside if you got a phone? If not, it’s alright-“

“You’re wet.” Wilbur cocked an eyebrow at the tall man, who stumbled over his words only for his companion or partner to recover the sentence for him.

“It’s been raining, and quite frankly, I just wanna know if you got a phone.”

“Of course we do, doll. I think it’s best you both come inside. We’d hate for there to be any more rain, wouldn’t we?” He stuck out his upper lip in a fake pout. The man didn’t recognise the sarcasm, so he took the other’s arm and pulled her inside.

“Thank you!” He chirped as he walked through, leaving minimal time for the girl to speak to him.

“You’re too kind!” She called as she was whisked inside and Wilbur laughed.

“You’re too kind,” he repeated to himself, laughing as he saw some more of The Sniggles appear. He made a sharp gesture for them to follow them inside, to which they did. Wilbur slowly closed the door, chewing on a lollipop stick, walking into the other room to ensure they didn’t run off anywhere. And so, even after braving the inclement weather and some not too little time, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Paul and Emma and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. There was certainly something about this castle, or old school, to which a flat tire and a wet night had bought them that had made them both feel, well, apprehensive and uneasy. But, if they were to get back home safely that night, they’d have to ignore such feelings and take advantage of whatever help was offered to them, whether it be anything of use or a lingerie wearing general of the united states military. Wilbur guided the two new guests inside and gestured to the entrance room where they were to stay until further notice. The same sickening smile formed on his face and he smiled. “Wait here,” he told them as he walked off leaving the two alone momentarily.

Emma, immediately, took the opportunity to examine the area they were stood in. Blue undertones to the walls, purple coloured carpet…it was all very, very bizarre. She shuddered and looked up to Paul. “What the fuck is this place?!”

“It…it looks like some sort of a hunting lodge for rich weirdos?” Paul considered, looking around, noticing the various different images of creatures strung along the wall in a sick display.

“I’ll keep a lookout for the undertaker…” Emma told him, watching as he nodded, still shuddering. She wished to hell she’d have bought her blouse out with her. Maybe she’d be a little bit warmer with it on rather than not. “Oh, for god’s sake, keep a grip on yourself, Emma. There’s no time to be scared…or cold.” She shook her head, deciding on searching for the phone they told her they had. But, her train of thought was startled by some very loud giggles and Paul grabbed Emma’s arm. “Hey, hey, it’s alright, Paul.” She said and turned around after taking a breath, holding Paul’s hand. “Hey, hi, um, look, if we could use your phone, we’ll move along. I’m sure you’ve got lots of things to do, you all look uh…quite busy…and a great evening planned!”

“Oh, yes.” Wilbur said, resting his arm against Holloway’s shoulder, leaning against her. “The Master is having one of his affairs…”

“Uh, lucky old him?” Paul asked as he looked at the others. He didn’t recognise the lady with frizzy red hair or the smaller one, who had brunette hair grown just past her shoulder. She wore a golden jacket, a colourful waistcoat made of all colours possible as well as black short-shorts and short heels fastened by a golden buckle.

“Yeah!” The lady with frizzy hair ran forward, standing between Emma and Paul. “He’s lucky, you’re lucky, I’m lucky, we’re _all lucky!”_

“All except Ethan.” The smaller girl, a teenager, spoke.

“Shh!” The other two adults told her, but Paul furrowed his eyebrows.

“Ethan?”

“Shh!” The others scolded as the lady spoke again.

“The mechanic.”

“But he wasn’t as much as a fixer upper than he was a homewrecker, as many said…” Gold jacket told them as Wilbur spoke again.

“The Master only wanted to help the boy, better his position!”

“Well, that’s very commendable!” Paul told them and Wilbur smirked, nodding.

“Oh yes, it seems like only yesterday since he went!”

“Where?” Emma questioned, turning back to the tall, waistcoat wearing man.

“To pieces…” He said as the others began to laugh, moving off to the side as he tossed the lollipop stick into the trash. He rolled up the sleeve to his blazer and his eyes became a vibrant shade of green, wild, yet sophisticated simultaneously, music beginning to play throughout the house. _“It’s astounding…time is fleeting! Madness takes it’s toll! But, listen closely.”_

“Not for very much longer!” Holloway said, wrapping her arms around Wilbur’s shoulders, looking up at him.

“ ** _I’ve_** _got to keep control!”_ He said as he pushed a chair out the way, ignoring how it clattered out the way. From behind him, The Sniggles poured in dressed in button up waistcoats, bowties and tail coated jackets of appropriate navy and purples. Wilbur turned to them, continuing his moment. _“I remember doing The Time Warp! Drinking those moments when the blackness would hit me and the void would be calling!”_

From behind him, everyone else took their position, and in one huge chorus did they sing, “ _lets do The Time Warp again!”_

But, as well all know…It’s just a jump to the left.

From inside the hunting lounge, Paul hugged Emma tightly out of fear, pushing her to the back end of the room, eyes fixated on the others who’d started dancing out of nowhere, taking directions from an invisible guide. _“And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight!”_

Put your hands on your hips!”

_“And bring your knees in tight! But it’s a pelvic thrust, that really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane! Let’s do The Time Warp again! Let’s do The Time Warp again!”_

The crowd parted, leaving Miss Holloway in the middle. She turned around to face Paul and Emma, a wide smile on her face. _“It’s so dreamy! Oh, fantasy, free me! So you can’t see me, no, not at all.”_ Her upper lip curled into a smirk as she brushed a few of The Sniggles away, brushing out her skirt. _“In another dimension with voyeuristic intention! Well, secluded, I see all!”_ She ran forward and got inches away from Paul and Emma, being restrained by Wilbur, pulled back to where she was supposed to be. _“With a bit of a mind **flip!** You’re into the time slip and nothing can ever be the same! You’re spaced out on sensation!” _She turned and faced Wilbur, connecting their hands together as they sang once more.

 _“Like you’re under sedation!”_ The duo smiled at each other before facing the guests, singing once more.

_“Let’s do The Time Warp again! Let’s do The Time Warp again!”_

The music paused as the young girl, at the right of the room, turned to face the newly engaged couple, a worried smile on her face before nodding. “Well, I was tapping down the street just a-havin’ a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink! It shook me up! It took me by surprise! He had a beat-up truck and the devil’s eyes! He stared at me and I felt a change! Time meant nothing, never would again!” She smiled and bowed as the others continued singing without her.

_“Let’s do The Time Warp again! Let’s do The Time Warp again! Let’s do The Time Warp again! Let’s do The Time Warp again!”_

And, for those who have forgotten, it’s just a jump to the left.

All those present on the floor jumped to the left, allowing the music to overtake their body. _“And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight!”_

Put your hands on your hips!

 _“And bring your knees in tight! But it’s a pelvic thrust, that really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! Let’s do The Time Warp again! Let’s do The Time Warp again!”_ And, as the music drew to a close, those who danced did fall leaving Paul clutching Emma’s arm so tightly his knuckles had been drained of their colour.

“Say something, Emma!”

Emma looked around in shock, swallowing, spitting out the first thing she could think of which was, “do you guys know how to Madison?!” And then, she internally scolded herself.

“Why would you say that?!” Paul asked, looking at her, and she shrugged, her eyes wide. But, before they could process another thought, the lighting followed that of a heartbeat, pulsing from the white to red in a steady beat. This had obviously upset Paul a little further. “Look, please, fuck the phone, let’s get out of here! They all seem to be on some sort of drugs and I do _not_ like that! I’m cold, I’m wet and I’m just plain scared!”

“Paul, I’m here, babe, please, there’s- I’d say there’s nothing to worry about but that’s a lie isn’t it?”

“Em, I wanna go!” Paul said, grabbing Emma’s arm, tugging her forward, but as he grabbed a hold of the door, the two of them were knocked back with the force of a thousand men. Standing under red lighting in the doorway, or what appeared to be some sort of lift, was a man, and a very handsome man from what Paul could tell. A clean cut beard, long hair of some sort of colour hidden by a cape…and he was looking down at them. The others who’d previously been on the floor had shot up and were now ogling at the man. And soon, the lights came on, and the man was bathed in a spotlight.

Thick blonde hair, sharp blue eyes, and a smirk on his face. This was The Master. And God was he beautiful…he turned back to Paul and Emma and put on a smile, following the rhythm that the castle was producing, beginning to sing himself against the music and the natural remedy produced by his servants. _“How do you do? I see you’ve met my faithful handyman.”_ He made a sharp gesture to Wilbur who bowed delicately. _“He’s a little brought down because when you knocked he thought you were the candy man,_ didn’t you freaky?!” He called and the others seemed to be practically drooling at the sight of the man.

He stepped out of the elevator and, from what Paul could notice, his feet were covered in either tights or stockings, and there were tall silver heels that covered his feet. This man…he was certainly something else, something ethereal, something _alien_ to a man who’d been cooped up for the majority of his lifetime. And, from what Paul could gather, the man was basking in Paul’s attention, so as a light blush filled his face, he looked away.

 _“Don’t get strung out by the way I look! Don’t judge a book by it’s cover…”_ He told the two, looking at the two of them before stepping out further. _“I’m not much of a man by the light of day but by night, I’m one hell of a lover…I’m just a sweet transvestite…”_ He said, twirling around in the cape while his ensemble repeated the line for him before letting go of the cape, revealing his body hugged by a tight black corset, his stockings attached by buckles from his corset, and his hair landed on his back neatly. He turned and stopped, facing Paul and Emma, a smile on his face. _“From, downtown Hatchetfield **or!** ” he told them, gesturing to the others, his smile growing. _“The Black and White.” He shrugged, brushing the cape away as he walked to the other side. _“So let me, show you around, maybe play you a sound! You look like you’re both pretty groovy! Or if you want something visual that’s not too abysmal we could take in an old Steve Reeves movie!”_ He swished his cape again, going to talk to some members of The Sniggles, getting interrupted by Emma who’d stood up from the floor.

“I’m glad we caught you at home?” Emma questioned as she helped Paul stand up, eyeing the mysterious figure up and down before shaking herself off. “Could we use your phone?” She heard him mutter something like _‘you should be wearing a watch’_ but ignored it. “We’re both in a but of a hurry…” She laughed, but nobody else seemed to be as pleased. She moved closer to Paul and looked up at him. “Okay, we’ll just stay where we are and then get back to the car.” He nodded at her plan allowing her to turn back to the man, who was now sat on a table, surrounded by everyone else. “We don’t want to be any worry!”

The blonde laughed, looking at her. _“So you got caught with a flat? Well, how about that!? Well, babies, don’t you panic.”_ He stood up, dropping the cape, leaving it with The Sniggles, standing and rushing forward, reaching towards the sky. _“By the light of the night, it’ll all seem alright! I’ll get you a satanic mechanic!”_ He laughed and turned back to his servants, laying down on the table, allowing himself to get pampered by them. _“I’m just a sweet transvestite!”_

 _“Sweet transvestite!”_ They mimicked, stroking whatever exposed skin that they could.

 _“From, downtown Hatchetfield! Or, The Black and White! Ha, ha!”_ He sat up as the table stopped spinning, looking at the newcomers. “Why don’t you…stay for the night?”

“Night?” The others replied in a hushed whisper.

“Or maybe…a bite?”

“Bite!”

“I could show you my favourite…obsession. I’ve been making a man. With dark hair and a-well…” He couldn’t exactly _say_ a tan. He just shrugged it off. “And he’s good for relieving my-“

As he stood and dressed himself back in the cape, his ensemble covered for him. “T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-“

“ _Tension!”_ He sang alongside him as he smiled and tilted his head, his voice suddenly much softer. “ _I’m just a sweet transvestite. From downtown Hatchetfield or…The Black and White!”_ He turned and pointed to both Miss Holloway and Wilbur. _“Hit it, hit it-I’m just a sweet transvestite!”_

_“Sweet, sweet, from-“_

_“From downtown Hatchetfield or The Black and White!”_ He sang, clasping the cape and placing his hands on his hips, looking at the others once more. “So. Come up to the lab, and see what’s on the _slab…_ I see you shiver. With antici-.“ He cut himself off midway through with the others chanting various forms of ‘say it!’ He laughed to himself, leaning forwards. “-pation. But, maybe the rain is really to blame. So I’ll remove the cause…” he looked at their faces and laughed before the smile dropped. “But not the symptom!” And with a dramatic wave of his cape, the mysterious man was gone once more. And, from the change, Paul was shaking again.

“It’s alright, Paul, it’s alright. Everything’s gonna be alright! We’ll just play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right!” Emma tried to reassure but Paul looked at her, nervous.

“This isn’t any time for card tricks, Em, are you sure we’ll be alright?”

“Nope.” Emma flashed a sarcastic smile before her shoulders dropped. She shook her head before turning to the servants, who seemed to still be buzzing from the high. “Hi, I’m Emma Perkins and this is my fiancé, Paul Matthews. You are?”

 _“You_ are very lucky to be invited to John’s laboratory!” The girl in gold told them and Emma furrowed her eyebrows.

“Sorry, who’s John?”

“John McNamara is our master,” Holloway purred as the teenager kept talking.

“As I said, you’re very lucky to be invited up to Frank’s laboratory! A lot of people would give their right arm for the privilege!”

“People like you, maybe?” Paul asked and she nodded.

“I’ve seen it!”

“Is John your husband?” Emma decided to question, causing the young girl to laugh as she walked away.

“The Master _is_ married, though there was an…incident regarding his husband. He died in the battlefield, and John’s lab isn’t actually his. It’s his husband’s. It’s why it’s such a privilege to step foot in it. But no, we are not married to The Master, though we _are_ his servants.” Wilbur told them as a couple of members of The Sniggles as well as Miss Holloway helped to remove Emma and Paul of their wet clothes leaving them only in their undergarments. After running his eyes up and down Emma’s body, he clicked his tongue and left through the curtain to go up to the lab, leaving Paul and Emma only to themselves.

It was Paul to notice first as he gasped and pointed at Emma, saying her name, and Emma turned, looking at Paul, her purple eyes wider than anything that they’d been before. “What the fuck _is_ this place?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as a frank and john mcnamara kinnie: yes.   
> as a paul matthews kinnie: plz help this man he deserves fucking everything 
> 
> and no i don't know why this chapter exists and i will be writing a third one ive had so much caffeine today


	4. Make You A Man/Hot Patootie!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they have sex. at the end of the chapter. and ethans there for this one

And so, Paul Matthews and Emma Perkins found themselves unintentionally roaming around the mansion of a place they’d wound up in in an incredibly lame attempt to try and locate John’s, or from what they now knew, John’s _husband’s_ lab. That, surprisingly, was _not_ the most confusing thing to happen to the pair that day. Paul already missed the absence of his jacket and hoped that he could get it back, and he could tell that Emma was certainly very naked without the comfort of her dress. Literally.

They found the lab, which was decorated in blue similarly to the hunting lodge, and inside already stood the other three servants who had yet to reveal their names. However, they now knew they were under the assistance of John McNamara, the general of the united states military…though wearing lingerie to work didn’t seem like any sort of uniform that a general should wear. That was also very, very confusing. Neither of the two of them knew what was going on.

They lingered around in the lab, seeing how everyone else, including the fanged people who were constantly walking across and by them constantly. They all seemed so in place and they did not.

And they still hadn’t used John’s phone.

Eventually, the door flipped around and John stood there in a green apron tied but still in his heels and pearl necklace. He also wore bright pink gloves and a satisfying smirk on his face. He looked to his workers and guests, speaking. “Unlock a mind, unmind a lock. It’s the same as the beginning of the end, do you follow?” He asked, but Emma shook her head.

“Uh, no.”

“It’s an anagram, Emma…” Paul told her as John clapped his hands, stepping down from the platform he was on, walking towards the guests. “I wonder, may I offer you something refreshing?”

The two, together, shook their heads. “No.”

John looked at them, clasping his hands together again. “No, you’re right. I won’t.” He laughed and clapped his hands, tying his hair up into a low ponytail. “How _delightful_ it is to have fresh faces around! Oh! Miss Holloway, Lex, go and descend Wilbur while _I_ entertain-…I’m very sorry, it appears I don’t know your names…”

“Emma Perkins,” she said, processing which name belonged to which person, holding out a hand to John.

John took it with a smile, shaking it firmly. “Emma Perkins!”

“And this is my fiancé, Paul Matthews.” Emma continued as John eyed the man, his eyebrow raising as he walked over to Paul, taking his hand.

“Paul Matthews…enchante.” He said, kissing his knuckles as a greeting, never hesitating to keep eye contact. “How nice.” He pulled away and looked back at Paul and Emma, his eyes lingering on Paul specifically. “And what charming underclothes you both have! But here, put these on. It’ll make you feel less vulnerable.” He handed Emma hers and then Paul’s, seeming to hold back on the lab coat for a second longer. “We don’t often receive visitors here, let alone offer them hospitality!”

“Hospitality?” Paul questioned, his cheeks still dusted with a blush, his bright blue eyes shining brightly. “All we wanted was to use your phone! A reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore!”

Instead of becoming insulted by Paul’s quip, John turned back to him, shuddering playfully. “How _forceful_ you are, Paul! What a perfect example of manhood!” He stepped forward and ran his hand against Paul’s chest. “So dominant! You must be very proud, Emma?” He asked, keeping his hand flat on the other man’s chest as he looked back to Emma, who nodded, crossing her arms.

“Well, yeah…why wouldn’t I be?”

John, at Emma’s reply, giggled to himself as he pat Paul’s chest before walking away. “Not a reason for you to worry about…” He gave himself time to build himself back up, calming down, before turning back to the couple. “Tell me, Paul, do you have any…tattoos?”

At the word, Paul jumped, furrowing his eyebrows, offense clear on his face. “Certainly not!”

John rolled his eyes and tutted, crossing his arms, looking at Emma next, pointing to her with a limp wrist. “Oh well. How about…you?”

“Uh, no.” Emma told him which got John’s eyes rolling more. Before he had chance to speak, Wilbur walked back in, looking at his master.

“Everything is in readiness, General McNamara. We merely wait for you to give the word!” He bowed and John’s eyes lit up with excitement.

“Tonight, Paul and Emma! You are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research! And paradise is to be mine!” As his servants began to cheer for him, Paul spoke up once more.

“How wonderful for you!” He smiled, but Emma nudged him gently.

“Wrong time.”

“Oh, okay…”

John rolled his eyes for the third time, choosing not to linger on the matter. “It’s strange, the way it happened. It was one of those…quirks of fate, really. Because I lost my husband, my dear Alexander, not too long ago. And since then it’s been one of those moments when everything looks black. The chips are down, your back’s against the wall, you panic! You’re trapped! There’s no way out! And even if there was, it would probably be a one-way ticket to the bottom of the bay! And then, suddenly, you get a break! All of the pieces seem to fit into place! What a sucker I’d been, what a _fool!_ The answer was there all the time! And…it only took a small accident to make it happen.”

“An accident?” Both Lex and Holloway questioned, pushing him further, but that only seemed to anger their master.

“AN ACCIDENT!” He roared, which caused Paul to flinch. “But yes, that’s how I discovered the secret. From his notes, from studying endless scientific breakthroughs in previous years, I found that elusive ingredient! The spark that is the breath of life! Yes, I have that knowledge! I hold the key to revival! To life itself!” He grinned as his servants and The Sniggles began to clap for him but then, it soon got boring, so they silenced them. He looked back to Paul and Emma again, a smile on his lips. “So you see, Paul and Emma, you _really_ are quite fortunate. For tonight is the night my beautiful husband is _destined_ to be revived! No more scars, no mental recollection of what led him to his downfall! Just pure life…and, well, some minor adjustments.” He laughed to himself, turning back to the others in the room. “So go on! Throw up the switches on the sonic oscillator1 And step up the reactive power input three more points!”

And, John in his moment of haste, stood before the door, pushing Paul and Emma away, looking as the door began to flash different colours. Before long, the door had flipped round, and a muscular man with dark skin but a distinctive expression on his face stood in his place dressed only in a tight little bow tie, underwear and shoes all made of gold. And after leaving an imprint on this world seven months ago, once more was Xander Lee taking his place back on Earth.

He seemed to be glued to the door momentarily as he let out a harmonic screech, something that seemed so painful, but he turned his head, opened his eyes, and looked around. He could see he was no longer dead. And _god,_ did it feel good to be alive! He burst from where he was, looking around, lyrics being fed through. He remembered how he was supposed to be. He could remember _all. “The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head! And I got a feeling someone’s gonna be cuttin’ the thread!”_ He said as he looked at John- his _beautiful_ John, and, to tease him, he backed away like a playful kitten. He watched as the annoyance settled on John’s face, but he was forgetting one thing.

John was the one limping after their wedding night.

 _“Oh, woe is me! My life is a misery! And can’t you see, that I’m at the start of a pretty big downer?!”_ He asked him, a smirk forming on his face as he rushed to the other side of the room beside Paul and Emma. _“I woke up this morning with a start as I fell out of bed!”_

 _“That ain’t no crime!”_ The Sniggles told him from the side-lines as they performed the various tasks that they had been set.

 _“And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread!”_ He told them, looking both Paul and Emma in the eye as the Sniggles sang the same line again. Xander, however, backed away from Paul and Emma as he saw John, running over to the other PEIP agents by the sinks. _“My high is low! I’m dressed up with no place to go!”_ He told Lex, frantically gesturing to himself as he continued to sing. _“And all I know is I’m at the start of a pretty big downer!”_ Unimpressed, John charged back towards Xander, who bolted again, picking up the stool. It was a silly little game he and his husband used to play. But he was reborn, young, naïve, unstoppable. It was him against the world.

The Sniggles, at the side of the room, began to dance, stopping their usual tasks to join in with the part. _“Sha la la la, that ain’t no crime!”_

_“Woah, woah, woah!”_

_“Sha la la la, that ain’t no crime!”_

_“Woah, no, no!”_

_“Sha la la la, that ain’t no crime, that ain’t no crime!”_ The Sniggles finished as Xander sat down on the stool, Pob stepping forward with a fake clipboard, smiling gently.

“Alexander, unique piece of mind. I wanna tell you that you’re doing just fine! You’re the product of another time so feeling low, well, that’s no crime!” He told him before bursting back into song with the rest of The Sniggles with a “ _that ain’t no crime!”_

Xander bolted back up, looking directly back to Paul and Emma as John approached him. In a momentary decision, he lifted John on to his back and spun around wildly, ignoring how tight his husband was clinging on. _“The sword of Damocles is hanging over **my** head! And I’ve got the feeling someone’s gonna be cutting the thread!” _He put John back down and rushed forward away from him once more. “ _Oh, woe is me! My life is a misery! And, can’t you see? That I’m at the start of a pretty big downer!”_

The Sniggles, Holloway, Wilbur and Lex were all having too much fun, dancing and singing along to the song. “ _Sha la la la, that ain’t no crime!”_

_“Woah, woah, woah!”_

_“Sha la la la, that ain’t no crime!”_

_“No, no, no!”_

_“Sha la la la, that ain’t no crime, that ain’t no crime! Sha la la!”_ The Sniggles sang as Xander grabbed John and wrapped his arm around him, looking down at his husband, who’d suddenly lost his sense of confidence.

“High heels? Is that what we’re doing now?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow as a light blush filled John’s cheeks.

“Wait until you see what’s under it,” he retorted as Xander licked his lips.

“I can’t wait,” he told him, a slight gravelly tone to his voice which got John slightly more flushed.

“Well, now, that’s _no_ way to behave on your first day back.”

“Well, nobody’s perfect. But I do think you made a pretty good job of the bodywork!” He told him, flexing his muscles and he smirked at how John had to look away.

“My love, you are the result of many hours of toil, and now, my beautiful husband, you’re ready for the ultimate test.”

“ _Fuck!”_ Xander’s eyes widened much wider until John nudged him playfully, taking his hand and dragging him over to his servants.

“But first, meet the agents. Wilbur, Holloway, Lex, my husband, Xander.”

“Hello, Xander.” The three of them said together and Xander wave.

“Hello, Colonel Cross, Colonel Holloway and Private Foster.”

John smiled, pleased, wrapping his arm around Xander’s waist. “Well, whaddaya think?” He asked the others and gave a large smile, listening in to the comments his team had to make.

“He is a credit to your genius, sir!” Wilbur said, bowing down to Xander, followed by Holloway.

“A triumph of the will!” She continued, keeping her eyes fixated on Xander as Lex spoke up.

“I…don’t think he’s my type.”

John sighed and rolled his eyes. “He’s _everybody’s_ type,” he growled as he took Xander and dragged him to the other side of the room, looking at Paul and Emma. “Well, Paul and Emma. What do _you_ think?”

Emma cleared her throat, looking at the newly revived Lieutenant, trying to figure out the best way to drop the news lightly. “I don’t like men with too many muscles.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t revive him for _you,_ dear.” John huffed, looking back at Xander, running his hands over his bare chest. “He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval!” He took Xander’s hand as one of The Sniggles made seal noises and, together, they walked to the stool. He twirled Xander as he sat cross legged on the floor, John taking his place on the stool, allowing his hair to run loose. He cleared his throat, looking down at Xander, running his hand over his husband’s short hair, smiling softly.

“ _A weakling-“_

“Paul!” One of The Sniggles said, covered by a cough, which got John smiling slightly.

“ _-weighing 98 pounds…will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground. So soon in the gum with a determined chin, the sweat from his pores as he works for his cause!”_ He sang, taking Xander’s hand again. _“Will make him glisten, and gleam, and with massage and just a little bit of steam…”_ He stood up, holding his hand out to Xander, who stood to, and John’s smile grew once more. _“He’ll be fit! And quite lean! He’ll be a strong man, oh, honey!”_ He said as he watched Xander flex and test out all the new muscles in his new body.

 _“But the wrong man…”_ Everyone else began to sing, trying to warn John, but he ignored them all.

 _“He’ll eat nutritious, high protein and swallow raw eggs. Try to build up his shoulders, his chest arms and…legs.”_ He got down on his knees, watching as Xander began to do sit ups, and he was practically drooling at the sight. _“Such an effort, if you only knew of my plan! That in just seven days, I can make you-“_

 _“A man!”_ Everyone else sang as John lay down flat, watching as Xander did press ups along his body.

“ _He’ll do press ups and sit ups! The snatch, clean and jerk! That dynamic tension must be-“_ he became suddenly flustered when Xander got awfully close to John’s face. _“Awfully hard work!”_ He got back up, skipping around, allowing Xander to continue impressing his servants. _“Such strenuous living, I just don’t understand, when in just seven days, oh sugar!”_

 _“I can make you a man!”_ The ensemble sang, though it was cut off when a fridge door opened and Lex squealed, clapping her hands.

“Ethan!” She cheered, John’s eyes widening, a snarl baring on his face.

“Ethan?!” He asked, displeased and, when he turned around, was his former mentee. Black, curled hair, black leather jacket, faded band tee, blue jeans, leather glove, and also the copious amounts of dried blood on his head, neck and mouth. But that sure as hell was still Ethan Green and, unlike Xander, did _not_ need to be revived. But still, Ethan took his place in the middle of the lab, a smile on his face, as he began to sing himself.

 _“Whatever happened to Saturday night? When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright? Don’t seem the same since the cosmic light came into my life, I thought I was divine.”_ He sang as he grabbed Lex’s hand and twirled her around. _“Used to go ride with a chick who’d go and listen to the music on the radio. A saxophone was blowing on a rock-and-roll show. You climbed in the back, you really had a good time!”_ Ethan sang as he began dancing with Lex, never going slow. Nothing about their relationship had been slow. In fact, they’d planned to be in California by this time that year. But, nothing mattered now she was back in his arms. And alongside everyone else in the room, he allowed himself to get swept up in the chaos.

_“Hot Patootie! Bless my soul! I really loved that rock and roll! Hot Patootie! Bless my soul! I really loved that rock and roll!”_

Lex let go of Ethan, touching him up in a teasing way ignoring the blood. All she could see was her gorgeous boyfriend who she’d fallen deeply in love with. Never to say that she hadn’t ever fallen out of love with him to begin with. She watched as he continued to sing, completely fascinated. Damn, she truly had missed him.

 _“My head, it used to swim from the perfume I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. I taste her baby pink lipstick, and that’s when I melt. She’d whisper in my ear tonight she really was mi-ine. Get back in front and put some hair oil on. Buddy Holly was singing his very last song, with your arm around your girl, you tried to sing along. It felt pretty good, you really had a good time!”_ Ethan shrugged as he kept singing, lifting Lex up and kissing her forehead, watching as she blushed furiously.

And, even as Ethan thought it was calm, it wasn’t, for John pulled out a chainsaw and revved it up, He had to set Lex down. He wasn’t dying a second time. He may be dead, but he was still alive. He’d have to stay alive for a lot longer. He needed to see his dad, he needed to see his uncles. So, while the ensemble were still singing a chant of ‘ _Hot Patootie, bless my soul! I really loved that rock and roll,’_ Ethan ran from the chainsaw, getting straight back in the cold. He felt immune to everything including the cold. He was functioning, not living. He heard the chainsaw stop from outside. He’d hide for as long as he could.

John, however, couldn’t let his servants think he’d failed so he smeared someone else’s blood on his apron and walked back out, and hearing Lex’s sobs as she fell to the floor, it was definitely worth it. But, again, it got boring, so he turned to her. “SILENCE!” He roared, which soon stopped her crying. He looked back to the group and smiled. “One from the vaults.” He laughed, and, from the far side of the room, Paul laughed as well and the room fell silent. That was, until, Xander walked back over, looking at his husband.

“How could you keep him around, John? He’s so ugly!” Xander laughed, but John shot daggers at him.

“We had…a mental connection. He was my mentee, and it was in no way about sex. Nor was it about a relationship. Because, my dear, I haven’t been loyal to anyone else _but_ you. And he…he had a certain _naïve_ charm, and certainly no muscle. Oh! But a-“ John said, grabbing a hold of his husband’s arm with a wide smile. _“Deltoid, and a bicep.”_ Xander caught on pretty quickly, flexing the muscles John was listing, which allowed John’s lilac eyes to sparkle. _“Hot groin and a tricep! Makes me- oh!”_ John laughed, clapping, as he watched Xander. “Shake! Makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the ha-a-and.” He offered Xander his hand, smiling when he took it, walking him to the middle of the room.

 _“In just seven days,”_ everyone else sang as John ran his hand down Xander’s body, dipping his hand slightly below the waist band which got Xander hot, from what John could see.

 _“I can make you a man!”_ John, just brushing his hand above the area, then let go and danced over to Emma, getting her to walk into the centre of the room as well. “ _I don’t want no dissension!”_

 _“Dissension, sension!”_ The Sniggles sang after John.

“ _Just, dynamic tension.”_

_“Tension, tension!”_

Emma looked at Xander, going to run her own hands over him, just for a feel. “ _I’m a muscle fan!”_ She sang herself before Paul pulled her back. John winked at the office employee heading back to his husband’s side.

 _“In just seven days,”_ everyone else sang before joining John in a chorus.

_“I can make you a man!”_

“Sing it!” John told them as he looked at everyone else. _“If you ca-a-a-an. In just seven days, I can make you a man.”_ And then John linked his arm with Xander, and, childishly, dragged him out, running down the halls to his bedroom where he pushed Xander against the door, removing his gloves and undoing the bow on the back of his apron. Their kisses were hot and heavy, needy, just as desperate as each other’s were.

“Let’s see what you’ve got on under there then, huh?” Xander said as he pulled from the kiss, grabbing a hold of John’s apron, ripping it from him, looking at his husband’s figure. He slipped out of his shoes and got John out of his delicate heels before lifting him up, tossing him on to the bed, removing them both of any further clothing. Xander climbed on top of John, a smirk fit on his face as he parted John’s legs. “Now. Let’s hear you scream.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and to quote nick lang, ETHNA DOESNT DIE anhways dont ask me why i posted three chapters of this at once i think i drank too much j20


	5. Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me/Once In A While

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a lot of sex. and not everything is as it seems....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final warning: this is pure smut. im very sorry but im not go read the anthropomorphic plane fic in the uwu version to humble urself-

What had been seven months gone soon became seven minutes in…well, they didn’t want to say heaven, but it wasn’t quite hell either. With absolutely no prep, the master of the house soon became a mess with the pleasurable pain consuming him. He knew he had a long night ahead of him, and he couldn’t care less, not when he was being dominated by, who he thought to be, the hottest man in the world. With the slight adjustments to the muscles to make him appear less dead and more…alive, per se, it only added to the sensuality of the room.

The Master, ironic as it was, became one of the servants for those precious minutes. Seven months dead apparently didn’t calm his husband’s libido, and thank god it didn’t. Though he ruled the house and everyone within it, what harm did it cause for someone else to order him around? After all, being told what he could and couldn’t do while exposed was hotter than hell itself, and it was hotter with his husband.

With a hand around his neck and his legs chained to the bed, he had no choice but to look up at his recently revived boy who was doing an excellent job of what he was supposed to be doing. He had zero doubt that he wouldn’t be shaking by the end of their little session. If anything, he expected himself to be trembling for weeks. God help him if that was the case, but it would sure as hell be worth it. Any little whimper he uttered was combatted by a squeeze of his throat and a growl from the slave. The heat that enveloped him paired with the blue bruises on his pale skin only added to the scene. Nobody could do it better than the lieutenant himself, and nobody was a better partner than The Master.

Once unchained and done, the general lay on his back, twitching against the cold of their room as the slave rolled off of him, lying beside him. A soft press was kissed to his neck and Xander hummed contently. This, however, was one of the rules broken already and the slave needed to learn. “Enough,” John told him, baring his teeth as he spoke.

“What do you mean ‘enough?’ You love the aftermath…?” Xander turned on his side, lying on his arm, looking at The Master who seemed as displeased as ever before.

“In a universe I may, but I am your Master, Alexander. Understood?” His lilac eyes burned a darker purple that got Xander laughing nervously.

“You…don’t call me by my name…John, what’s going on?” He asked as he sat up and leaned against the headboard while the blonde sat himself up, picking up his corset from the floor, slipping back into it.

“What’s going on is you weren’t revived for any sudden cause. Like everyone else here, you are a mere servant to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Being my husband, however, brings you up higher. You are not _just_ a servant, but a man to come at my beckon call. Literally.” John tilted his head back in a laugh that echoed around the room, the cold now unsettling. “My slave, the man to relieve my tension…that’s all you are, Xander.” John told him as he fastened his corset to his stockings, walking back over to the revived man, straddling his lap. “My sex slave. _But…_ the terms and conditions lie with me and I’m not satisfied.” He laughed to himself, his purple eyes burning into Xander’s brown ones. “I’m on my way to find Paul Matthews and give him the ride of his life.”

“You’re- that’s cheating!” Xander pushed John off of him, covering himself up with the covers. He then realised that something odd was going on. John had always been such a loyal man with a heart of gold. He’d never leave him, it was what he always swore, but the John before him laughed again, tracing his jawline with his hand. “Who are you?!”

“Oh baby, you need a reminder, don’t you?” He asked and chuckled, cupping Xander’s chin. _“I’m just a sweet transvestite,”_ he sang softly, slower than he had before, grinding down against his husband, watching how his eyes flared open. _“From downtown Hatchetfield or…The Black and White…”_ And as the realisation pooled into Xander’s eyes about _who_ John was, he laughed, getting off of him, grabbing Xander’s leather jacket from the closet, wrapping it around his shoulders. “Sort yourself out. I have a man to find.” As John left, his signature laugh booming down the hallway, Xander made the realisation he was not to fool victim to the realm’s tricks. He would figure out what was going on and he _would_ stop it, because, if he didn’t, all hell _would_ break loose.

* * *

Paul Matthews had been escorted to his room with Emma next door to him. He’d wanted to spend the night with his fiancé, though he wouldn’t question the strange people he found himself wound up with. He couldn’t prevent his mind from drifting as he recalled the day’s events. Everything with the general, John, and his little minions, was that what the creatures in tail coats were? Humans certainly didn’t have sharp teeth. And, of all days, the car had to break down on Ted Spankoffski’s wedding day. That was proof that Ted was a shitty person.

But he couldn’t help but allow his mind to wander so far. He knew that there are those who say that ‘life is an illusion’ and that realise, as they knew it, was merely a figment of their imaginations. And if this was so, then himself and Emma were quite safe in the castle they’d wound up in. There are those, he knew, with a far more physical philosophy like John himself, those who’d stop at nothing to satisfy their base desires. It could be that, if he had the chance, both himself and Emma would be the ones to take the devil’s reigns, but it was also a possibility that the devil’s reigns would take them instead.

He turned himself on his back, arms behind his head as he lay awake, just thinking. His glasses were folded neatly and placed on the side table and he was in his underwear considering pyjamas hadn’t been offered to him. He had a feeling he wasn’t sleeping that night, and he didn’t know why. As he allowed himself to get lost in his thoughts, he hardly noticed as The Master slipped into bed beside him, dipping under the covers, a hand rubbing at the fabric around his…area.

That was enough to snap Paul from his thoughts. His head turned sharply to the side and he saw John laying beside him, a smirk on his face, and Paul’s eyes widened. He curled in on himself and moved away. If John’s plan was to get him to cheat on Emma, that wasn’t happening. “What the fuck?! What are you doing here?!”

John tilted his head, his smirk widening as he watched Paul’s reaction. “Disappointed that it’s me instead of her?”

“I’m loyal to Emma!”

“And I was loyal to my husband, but what’s the fun in that? Besides, Paul, didn’t it feel _nice?”_

“You are not _Emma!”_

“And you aren’t Paul Matthews. I’m not John McNamara. This is all one show put on to entertain _him._ We’re all characters in a play, it doesn’t matter who’s who. Haven’t you wondered why your eyes are bluey purple? And how you came here with a purple tie?”

“No…I wore a purple tie to Ted’s ceremony!”

“Oh, but you didn’t. You and Emma both wore blue, I’m afraid.” John moved himself closer to Paul, grabbing a hold of the fabric that prevented him from being exposed. “Besides, it wasn’t _all_ bad, was it? Not really even _half_ bad. In fact, I think you found it quite…pleasurable.” He, watching Paul’s reaction, pulled the undergarment down, grabbing a hold of the newly exposed muscle.

“No, no, this is wrong! I’m Paul and you aren’t Emma and I’m not gay!”

“You can be bisexual, Paul. You can be anything you want to be.” John purred, kissing Paul’s neck softly as he unbuckled his corset, stripping himself out of it, miraculously, one handed. “And I can open your eyes. I can make you feel better than anything you’ve ever felt before.”

“N-No! Nothing is better than EMMA-!” He tensed as he felt John against him, John running his hand down his chest.

“Shh, Emma’s probably asleep by now. You wouldn’t want her to see you like this now, would you?” John asked, wrapping his leg around Paul’s waist, pressing himself inside, somehow getting harder from Paul’s gasp he uttered.

“Like this? Like h-“ Paul bit on his knuckles to refrain from making any further noises. The new feeling was certainly different and he would hate for Emma to walk in on him but…John promised to open his doors. He hoped he stuck to it.

“And you liked it, Paul. Admit it, you’re finding this enjoyable, aren’t you?” John rocked his hips, his arms still wrapped around the taller man, featherlight touches teasing him to the point Paul began to feel warmth pool around his stomach.

“I mean- a little-“

“And it’s not cheating because you’re not Paul, and I’m not John, and she isn’t Emma.”

“I-I guess, master.”

“Good. You know the rules, and you know how to play.” Pleased, John sped up his hips gradually with the obvious knowledge this was Paul’s first time exposed to sex in such a manner. “But a pretty boy like you _would_ know, wouldn’t you?”

“I-“

“Hey, Paul? I heard you shout my name and- what the _FUCK?!”_ Emma shouted from the doorway, her hand gripping the door handle much tighter than what she should have been. But, with the new sensations, Paul could only offer an apologetic look as he climaxed, the speaker crackling as Wilbur spoke over it.

_“Master! The Master bedroom is empty! Alexander has vanished! The new slave is loose and somewhere in the building!”_

John listened in to the announcement as pleasure washed over himself, his eyes rolling back into his head as he rode out his high. “Coming,” he purred once again directly into Paul’s ear leaving Paul a whimpering mess.

Emma, however, was not impressed. She wouldn’t cry. Men were idiots. But she believed Paul to be different. She turned around, wrapping the lab coat around herself, deciding to clear her head with a walk. So she’d walked in on her fiancé cheating on her with none other than a man. If Paul wasn’t straight, good for him, she’d love him either way, but when he was fucking a man behind her back? Sure, it could have been his first time with a man, but it still hurt to look at him under such circumstances.

She found herself back in the laboratory, sitting down on the stool, placing her head in her hands. Despite what she wanted, tears had started forming in her eyes. She had every right to be upset, but crying over a man was not her brand. She knew finding a man so perfect couldn’t be…perfect. There’d been a lot of ‘ifs’ and ‘onlys’ in the start of their relationship. Two small words, though words all the same, that had kept repeating themselves again and again in Emma’s thoughts. And, once she’d first spent the night at Paul’s apartment, she realised that this was going to be a committed relationship and it was too late to back out or to climb out of his window. Maybe it was because her intuition had washed over her lime a giant tidal wave, telling her that he was different and she’d enjoy every moment with him, or maybe it was because of something entirely different. Either way, it was folly to fight against her feelings and now, her only chance to keep herself in her relationship was to work through her difficulties with him. If he’d allow her to help him.

She was still wiping her eyes when she heard the pattering of thin shoes and, when she turned her head, she saw Xander and relief flood his eyes, a sense of hope somewhere in the mix as well. He laughed and ran over to her after shutting the door to the lab. “Oh, it’s you, Emma! You see, I’m trying to hide from John and Wilbur. John’s being a bit of a prick and Wilbur…he scares me!” he looked around, scanning the scene for something that could be a hidden camera or not. “I fear all is not well here, and I’ve been thinking about Ethan. He was a little kid who wanted a job and…” he sighed. “I have a feeling of foreboding.”

“John was fucking my boyfriend a minute ago so yeah. This is all some sort of fuckin’ horrible dream.”

“John was having sex with Paul?” Xander questioned, and when Emma nodded, he cracked a plan in his mind. “Emma… _is_ it true you don’t like men with too many muscles?”

“It depends…I just didn’t want to say that in front of John.” She shook her head, looking back to Xander. “And I’m engaged to Paul, just like Jenny Wilkinson was to Ted Spankoffski, and then they got married and the wedding was shit so we decided to leave and the fuckin’ car got a flat tire and…” She stopped. “What’s your plan?”

“I returned back to this room on instinct. This is my baby. I’ve made so many cures, so many scientific breakthroughs in this room and John did the opposite of what I asked him to do. He’s turned it into a machine to make men. Literally. He revived me so I can be his sex slave when I’m supposed to be his husband! What kind of man does that make me?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. Lately, you can’t rely on anyone.”

“So um…Emma,” Xander continued. “I’m gay, and you’re dating Paul but…I wanna bring karma on John. I love him, but he’s not himself. So…”

“Are you implying we…hook up?”

Xander shrugged. “Well, of course, I’m gay but I’m fairly sure John altered my genetics so I’d be attracted to anyone and everyone so they could use me for their own purpose…but we’ll be friends after this and nothing more. Sound good?”

“Sounds _very_ good to me.” Emma wiped her eyes as her tears dried, Holloway and Lex peering over the balcony as Emma got off the stool.

“Tell us about it, Emma!” The two chorused as Emma was fed the new script into her head. And by god, whoever had written this was one smart being.

Emma’s eyes glinted a softer version of purple as she looked at Xander, tilting her head, unbuttoning the lab coat. _“I’ve been feeling done in. I can’t win. Because your husband is a whore.”_

“I can second that.” Xander said, hopping up on the table as he watched Emma work.

 _“I thought ‘there’s no use getting wound up inside this setting, it only led to trouble and…seat wetting.’”_ The music in her head began to get louder as she saw some wires behind Xander’s eyes and she tilted her head, curiously. _“Now all I wanna know, is how to go. I’ve tasted blood and I want more!”_ She rushed to him, pressing her hands against his bare chest as Holloway and Lex mimicked her from where they stood on the balcony, a harmonic chant of ‘ _more, more, more!’_ Emma, however, ran her hands over Xander’s skin which felt more like plastic to her than real human skin, but it’d do. _“I’ll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance. I’ve got an itch to scratch, I need assistance!”_ She said before rushing to the other side of the room, smirking at the synthetic man. _“Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me! I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night!”_ She removed her lab coat and dropped it to the floor, watching how Xander got off the table and padded over to her. _“Then if anything grows while you pose…”_ Emma raised an eyebrow at him, allowing him to finish off her lyrics for her.

 _“I’ll oil you up and rub you down.”_ Xander continued, placing his hands on Emma’s shoulders, getting a feel of the skin he was to work with. _“And that’s just one small fraction, of the main attraction.”_

 _“You need a friendly hand, and I need action!”_ The two sang together as Xander swept Emma off her feet, placing her on one of the desks at the back of the room, allowing her to do what she needed to do. 

_“Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me, I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,”_ Emma kept singing as she removed her bra, watching Xander with a smile.

 _“Creature of the night!”_ He growled softly as he ripped his own shoes off as well as his underwear, allowing Emma to get a good look. He no longer felt human, and he should have realised he wasn’t when he failed to find a heartbeat, but that no longer fazed Emma. She had an accepting glint in her eye. He felt comfortable.

From the balcony, Holloway and Lex, who were dressed in night gowns, were mimicking the two _very_ horny adults, singing along with them. _“Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me! I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night! Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me! I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me-“_

 _“Creature of the night,”_ Emma sang, her legs and arms wrapped around Xander as she lay back on the worktop.

 _“Creature of the night,”_ Xander sang after her, lining himself up.

 _“Creature of the night, creature of the night,”_ Holloway and Lex sang for them as a squeal and some drastic hip movements called for their exit cue.

 _“Creature of the night!”_ Emma shouted as she gripped the desk tightly.

* * *

Meanwhile, John had caught up with Wilbur, a whip in one hand and Xander’s glasses against his face. He was back in his bedroom, the monitor whirring with excitement and several camera angles up on the screen already. John bare his teeth, cracking the whip, the tail of it hitting Wilbur’s back.

“Have _mercy!”_ The ex-colonel growled, his green eyes glowing brighter as he faced his mentee.

“How did it happen? I understood you were to use the chains and keep him on the bed! You were to be watching him!”

“I was only gone for a moment, John! I had him chained like you asked!”

“And you haven’t checked the monitor?!”

Wilbur rolled his eyes, going to the monitor himself, finding the room in which Xander was in. “He’s in his lab. With a _female_ acquaintance.”

“A-what!” John rushed over to the monitor, pushing Wilbur out of the way to look and his eyes shot open. “No…no, no, no, oh, Xander!” he shouted, pocketing his whip, running from the Master bedroom, Wilbur short on his tail.

But, the second the two had left, Paul walked out from the bathroom, tying a robe around him. He looked at the monitor and his eyes widened. “E-Emma?” he asked himself, frail. He gulped as he realised this was most likely karma for what he’d done to her. He wanted to say it was over, but he’d let her make that move. But what John had said, about them not being who they thought they were, what did it mean? What did any of this mean? And why was Emma having sex with John’s husband?! He took a shaky breath and sat down on the bed, moving the chains out of the way as he looked at his knuckles.

“You shoulda known this was coming, Paul…” He told himself, running a hand through his hair. “Because… _once in a while…she don’t wanna call you, speaking on the telephone.”_ He sang softly to himself before his eyes flickered up to the monitor once more. _“And once in your life, she won’t wanna know you. You look around, the one you’ve found, she is gone.”_ He stood up, tidying the bed up a little bit, trying to ignore how he’d been a part of a sin in this very room. _“And that’s all the time that it takes…for a heart to turn to stone. The sweeter the wine, the harder to make the break. You hear something about someone you thought you’d known…”_ He found the lyrics making him tear up and he found himself finding this place too difficult to deal with.

 _“So baby don’t cry, like there’s no tomorrow. After the night, there’s a brand new day,”_ he sang, trying to force a smile, but it didn’t work. _“And there’ll be no pain and no more sorrow. So wash your face, and phone my place, it’ll be okay. And that’s all the time that it takes. For a heart to beat again. So give me a sign that a lover makes. You look around, the one you’ve found is back again…”_ He looked up and saw John stood at the door instead of Emma. “ _Is back again…”_

John clapped sarcastically, laughing at the same time. “How maudlin.” He stopped and leaned against the doorframe, looking at his hook-up. “How _pathetic!_ Your baggage has dared to defy my beautiful husband-oh, Zee, how could you?!” John asked as he stepped in the room, Holloway appearing behind him.

“Master! We have a visitor,” she said, heading to the monitor, getting the camera up in view. The familiar face had Paul gasping.

“My God, Henry! Professor Henry Hidgens!” He said, a hopeful smile now on his face.

“You know this earthling?” Wilbur asked, furrowing his eyebrow, only for the whip to hit his leg in a not so subtle manner which got him rolling his eyes.

“He means person,” Holloway corrected and Paul nodded.

“Why, yes! I do! He’s an old friend of Emma’s!”

John stopped and looked at him. “I see. So us meeting, it wasn’t simply a chance meeting at all. You’ve come here with a purpose!”

Paul jumped back at the accusation, shaking his head. “That’s not true! My car broke down, I told you!”

“I know what you tell me, Paul, but this Professor Henry Hidgens is not unknown to me.”

“Probably because he’s known as The Hatchetfield Lunatic! He’s a science teacher at the community college!”

“But he’s obsessed with the government considering _his_ husband worked for us, isn’t he, Paul? He’s attached to finding out the wonders of the world! That’s right, isn’t it, Paul?!”

“Well, maybe, I don’t know, you should ask Emma!” Paul tried to keep everything calm, and luckily for him, Holloway interrupted them once again.

“The intruder has entered the building, Master.” She bowed to him which got John looking between her and her brother. “He’s in the comms room, sir.”

“Ah.” John nodded, gesturing to the two of them. “Seal off all exits and all doors except for those that lead to the lab. Wilbur, grab Xander…and Emma. I think we shall make this a social occasion! The three unexpected guests shall entertain us with a floor show that I shall direct!” With a final crack of the whip and a toss of his hair, John left the room leaving the others alone and Henry Hidgens strolling through the house in order to find his student…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway so heres whats going on:
> 
> xander's a sex doll thats it. and john, wilbur and maam holloway arent exactly telling the truth OOPS but neither am i lol

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed reading this just as much as i enjoyed writing it!


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